words to build a life on (or, at least a few months on)

The past couple of months have been filled with some roller-coasting, stomach dropping, fear gripping, excitement inducing, heart palpitating, adrenaline pumping, life-loving laugh worthy moments.

How is it possible to feel so wonderful and afraid and excited at the same time? While the ride is creepishly fun, the exhale that comes when the ride is over is worth the price of admission.

I felt like I stepped off of the coaster yesterday, onto the solid ground of peace. The crazy part is that it left me wanting more of this faith that has GROWN larger because of the ride. Did I really just write that? That I want to ride again? Maybe not tomorrow. But I really do look forward to the next time that my faith can grow in ways I didn’t think possible.

I’ve always loved music and it’s been my close friend lately. Thanks to my Spotify app, I could pull up so many anthems and prayers in a moment and go there… to a place of prayer or abandonment or questioning or crying out or tear-filled celebrating. It happened on beaches, in the sun, in the rain, on treadmills, in my office, on my bike, in my bed, in swimming pools, on trails, in the wild, and in the quiet of my closet.

I started sharing some of what I was listening to with friends so that they could listen in words that weren’t my own, words that in many moments fit my feelings so well. They could sit with me (even across the miles), they could pray, they could look at me in wide eyed bewilderment when Jekyll and Hyde took over, they would laugh-snort with me, remind me, speak truth, and lend me their hearts when mine didn’t seem like it was big enough.

I give these songs to the beautifully messy and wonderful people called friends. Someday, I will get all of you together in one room, gather you up from the coasts and everywhere in between for a festivus like no other. And we’ll dance….and laugh and the memories will be smeared over table linens and photos we edited on our iPhones.

For you: one gloriously schizophrenic playlist.